Starting to Reflect

As 2014 is starting to come to an end I wanted to take a moment to reflect on everything that has happened this year. This year started out with filing for divorce, living on a couch, buying a new home, losing friends, first boyfriend after divorce, first break up after divorce, online dating, gaining new friends, starting a new job, losing my job, being a single mom and looking for a new job. Seriously...looking at everything I have gained, lost and changed this year makes my head spin.

My negatives really were losing my job and losing friends that I truly thought would always be there for me. With the job...I am not concerned. If anything it was a true blessing in disguise. I absolutely hated the job and the company I worked for. Working at a job that you are unhappy at is so not worth it as we spend most of our lives at work. So to me, I turned this negative into a positive.  As far the losing of friends, I have to say I have been a bit heartbroken that some people I called some of my closest friends turned their backs on me and haven't been there for me...but this to I look at in a positive way. People who don't have your back and bring sadness and negativity in your life are not worthy of being part of your life. Someone who can't stand up for you, be there for you in a time of need...why bother putting effort into them. Who needs that in their life? What I have found is a smaller group of friends who would do anything for you is so much better than a larger group of those who wouldn't.

Dating has brought it ups and downs for sure...I had my first heartbreak earlier this year, but what it made me realize was I could definitely love again and what I truly was worthy of having in my life. I have gone on a fair amount of dates...but I have learned that taking things slow, not worrying about labels and all can truly be such a positive. I am seriously learning to go with the flow, take things as they come and just enjoy every moment.  It really took me 35 years of life to realize how truly amazing things can be when you don't worry about the pressure of relationships. You actually get to know things about each other, enjoy each others company for what it is and the communication seems to open up so much more.

There are so many times a week I truly realize how much has changed when I look at my daughter. She has been through every single positive and negative with me...and continues to flourish and amaze me daily. She is my true inspiration in life. I look at her and realize what is important...our happiness and spending quality time together. Her happiness means the world to me...and my happiness affects hers. One thing not all single parents realize that if you aren't happy, your child will notice and it will affect them. I need to be happy at work, happy with my friends, happy with my dating life...all of that affects her. You have to take time for yourself and invest in your own happiness, because without that how can you expect to provide that for your child? Her happiness is the most important by far, investing in myself can only add to her happiness.

Starting to reflect on things in life really lets us also look forward to know where we want to be. I have a lot to learn in life as a month, as a significant other and as a person. There is always room to grow and improve. I have an amazing life and an even more amazing daughter. I am extremely lucky...and learning to take every negative and turn it into a positive in life just continually adds to my happiness. Life is a gift...and I don't ever want to take a single breathe for granted...my sister taught me that and I will always remember that.

Starting to be Thankful

Considering this week is Thanksgiving, I thought I would do a post about being thankful. I have been through a lot in my lifetime, but learning to be thankful for everything I do have is truly important.  There are some people in my life I am truly thankful for that I don't know what I would do without.

The person I am most thankful for is my Haylee monster. She is by far my everything in life, my world completely revolves around her. She has given me all the courage in the world to do everything I have done. I couldn't ask for a better blessing in my life. She really is my world and I thank God every day to have her in my life.

Another person I am thankful for is my sister Becky.  She may no longer be here but I had 24 years with her in life and I am so thankful for each one. My sister wasn't supposed to live past the age of 5, had that been true I would have never met her. I am so thankful the doctors were wrong and that I got to know her. She taught me about compassion, acceptance and what true strength is. She was an amazing mother to her children and everyone who met her loved her. She had a tough life but never gave up pushing through it. I miss her every day, but thankful for every moment I had with her.

Two people I couldn't be on this earth without are my mother and father. Though they aren't together any longer, they are both very important people in my life. My mother has been my best friend and there for me through every little thing in life. We lean on each other for everything. I don't know how I would have gotten through life without her as went through some awful situations. She is one of the most caring and wonderful mothers in the world, and I am thankful she is mine.  My father and I had a much different path in life, we actually didn't speak for 10 years. My brain tumor is what brought us back together, and as crazy as it sounds I am so thankful for that tumor as we are closer than ever.  I literally can tell him anything, we have a great relationship that I am so thankful for.

There are so many people I am thankful for. As far as other family members I have an amazing step brother whom I have grown so close to, an amazing niece who is like my mini me (except taller haha), a great step-dad who calls me his princess and would do anything for me and Haylee, my twin - aka my soon to be sister-in-law Megan, and some amazing cousins who I know are always there for me.

I also have a couple friends who I couldn't get through life without. My bestie Katy and I have been through so much over the years, but is always someone I can turn to and the same is true for her. She is an amazing mother and friend and I am truly thankful she is in my life. I also have Lisa, who opened her home to Haylee and I when we moved out, and is always offering to help me anytime I need something. I couldn't imagine not having Lisa and her family in my life, they are really amazing. Then there is Dina, we met years ago at work...lost touch and have now reconnected. We even have matching tattoos...that is how much we were meant to be in each others lives. We have ended up in similar situations at similar times, and helping each other through everything just strengthens our friendship.

I am so very thankful for each and every one of these people. I know there are others I missed, but these are the ones who without a doubt are there for me and always will be. I just hope I can do for them what they have done for me. I love you all. Happy Thanksgiving!

Starting to Realize Who Really Cares

One thing I have noticed with divorce is who really cares about you and who is really there for you. From the moment I moved out of my marital residence I had two friends who stood out. They let me into their homes to stay and really cared for and supported me.  Over time one of those relationships has really stayed strong, while the other has died off unfortunately. People have their own lives, with their own concerns and things going on and sometimes forget about you for whatever reason. I do my best to understand these situations.

I lost friends after my divorce, some due to them being friends with my ex-husband, some because they were mutual friends and some that I really have no idea why.  My life had completely changed, I went from being married to being a single mom overnight. My personality changed with that a bit as well...and not sure everyone was ok with that.

It is really easy for someone to be there for you in the best of times, but when you are going through the tough times in life is when you really start to realize who cares about you and who will be there for you no matter what.

For true friends it doesn't matter the distance, the time that it has been since you last talked, or the stupid petty things that have happened. You are friends through it all if it is really a true friend. I have found friendship in those who I hadn't spoken to in years, but we found comfort in helping each other through the worst parts of our relationships.

I recently grew apart from a close friend due to a man in her life...and it truly is eating me up because it is something I can't change and it doesn't seem to matter to her. This is one of those points where again I start to realize who really cares, because I would never let a man ruin a friendship that I cared so much about. I can say this as my ex-husband hated this particular friend and I didn't care...and told him he had to be respectful regardless, which he did. I would do anything to fix our friendship, but just like in any relationship if both parties don't try it won't work. At this point unfortunately I think I just have to accept that as I have done all I can.

I am sitting here...a single mom with no job trying to get by. I am helping my family through some medical issues and personal issues that people have no idea about as I haven't made it public to most people. The people who care are in my life, regardless of what is going on.

When we are younger we want as many friends as we possibly can have, but as I have gotten older I have realized that having a small group of friends who I can trust and who are always there for me is really all that matters. As the quote goes...sometimes your circle decreases in size, but increases in value. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me through the ups and the downs, continually encouraging me and letting me do the same for them. I don't have family on the east coast really...but the friends who have been there for me really are my family as well. Love you all and I am so very thankful to have you in my life.

Starting to Deal With Sleep Deprivation

Most parents are sleep deprived when their child is first born, I was fortunate to not have this problem. I was the parent who got to brag how well my daughter slept. From day one at home she would go to bed at 7pm and not get up until about 2am. Within two weeks she was sleeping 7pm-7am. I was in heaven as I had no idea what it felt like to be sleep deprived. I couldn't relate to other first time parents in that way at all. I had a boss that came to work looking like a zombie for weeks because his son wouldn't sleep. On the inside I was smirking a bit because I was so blessed.

Well that all changed in October 2013...when I took my 3 year old daughter and we moved out of my marital home. We stayed with a friend where my daughter had her own room...but it wasn't "her" room and she wasn't comfortable. She was scared to be without me in any way.. So for about 6 months I was up every couple of hours with her screaming for me, or running down the stairs and cuddling with me on the couch. I was barely sleeping a few hours a night. I finally started to realize what sleep deprivation felt like for new parents.

My hope was when I purchased my new house in March of this year that she would start sleeping better. I made her room the way she wanted, and gave her a big girl bed. No matter what I did, nothing worked perfectly. Sleep is hit or miss with her, most nights it takes me 2 hours to get her to fall asleep...lots of stories and singing and cuddling. I don't mind these things by any means...it is more of the 2am wake up calls. Sometimes she doesn't have a reason as to why she woke up.

What I have started to realize more and more is how divorce affects a child...she doesn't even consciously know this is what is happening. She constantly asks questions that led me to this. I use to get angry when she wasn't sleeping, I had no idea how to deal with it. The more I have researched and looked into it, the more I have learned to go with the flow. I don't care what people say, if she comes in at 2am and needs cuddle time with mommy I am going to give it to her. Sometimes she needs that extra reassurance and love to know she matters and to know she is still my world.  I chose divorce, so now I have started to learn to deal with sleep deprivation so that my daughter can have the comfort she needs.

There is no handbook or instruction manual on what is wrong and what is right. All I know is sleep deprivation is a small price to pay for my child to know how much I love her and how that will never change even if her parents relationship did. She is an amazing child...and I have learned sometimes I need that cuddle time just as much, if not more, as she does.

Starting to Explain Divorce to Your Child

When you are a parent and you decide divorce has become a reality, the only thing in your head is how to tell your child(ren). My daughter was 3 when I decided my ex-husband and I should try a trial separation. I sat my daughter down and explained that we would be staying with friends for a little while. I really didn't know what to say, except to try and tell her that mommy and daddy love her so much but we couldn't live together anymore.

Where we went to stay the family had three kids, which was a great distraction in a way for my daughter. After about a month it was evident that divorce papers needed to be filed. So I started that process in October. I then began looking for a new house...so this was another explanation to my daughter. She didn't know what divorce was, she was 3. She knew things had changed. I decided to try and take the fun route of telling her how we were getting a new girls only house, and now she would have two rooms.  She was really focused and excited about this possibility.

In March two amazing things happened, the divorce went through and we moved into our girls only house. I made a big deal over it and I thought I would be in the clear, but as parents of most toddlers know...they do not forget and they love to question EVERYTHING. So far we have gone through a couple phases:

• Do you still love my daddy phase: She asks this at least a couple times a month. I have chosen to respond with "I will always love your daddy as he gave me you, and you are an amazing and perfect child".  No idea the right answer on this, but to me I think it is important for her to know there was love between her parents.
• Why can't we all live in the girls house phase: This is a little less frequent as she is way more attached to me. She does ask and this is a tough one to answer...typically my response is because we can't. Lol. Yes I know this is not a great explanation, but I don't want to say anything mean so I keep it short and sweet.

There are also so many other issues, like why daddy didn't come to something or why I can't stay at her daddy's house. Isolated incidents that come up on a weekly basis that  you have to carefully maneuver like a game of frogger. The only thing I know as being a product of divorce myself, is you DO NOT bad mouth the other parent, and you DO NOT use your child as a thing against each other. No matter how "good" the divorce is, it can really affect a child. My only goal is to make sure my daughter knows how loved she is, none of what happened had anything to with her and that I wouldn't change a thing.

My daughter seems to be adjusting well, but as much as you think that one conversation will end issues for her...it quickly became evident to me that this will be years to come of answering her questions and I deserve to have to answer every one of them. Divorce was a choice my ex and I made, so my daughter can ask as many questions and feel any way she needs to feel...I will be there for all of it and help her to get through every phase she has.

Always remember...kids hear more than you realize, understand more than you would like and just need your unconditional love.

Starting to Date

I left my marriage in October 2013...and nowhere in my head was I even concerned with dating or meeting someone else right away. After filing for divorce I did start thinking about it, but really wasn't even sure where to begin. At that time a good friend of mine reached out to me to get together...we had an amazing connection on every level and I wanted nothing more than to try and date him, but he wasn't ready for dating. Kind of broke my heart because we have always had a crazy and intense connection that we could never explore. So that didn't work out but I definitely realized I wanted to start dating. But where do you begin in your 30's to start dating?

I didn't want to meet anyone in a bar, and my friends didn't have anyone to set me up with...so I signed up for free online dating...which is scary to even think about. I was inundated with emails from guys ranging from normal to creepy as could be. I closely looked at their profiles and was super selective of who I responded to. I locked in on one guy. We exchanged numbers and texted millions of times in a short period before meeting a week later. Our first date was amazing and romantic, including dancing in his kitchen to romantic music. It was perfect. Our relationship developed fast...I met his son, his family and his friends. I loved them all and truly felt accepted. Then after 7 months of what I thought was amazing he basically fell off the face of the earth. I received zero closure or explanation. That was so beyond hard because I had never encountered such immaturity in a relationship. What bothered me more was that I had let him into my daughters life and I had no idea how to explain to her what happened and why he was no longer in our lives. She still asks about him and his son and his family...by far the hardest part.

So I found myself alone again wanting to find love...and again my friend came back around. Once again our connection was still there and everything is amazing with him. And once again he wasn't ready. I found myself confused and hurt because everything seemed so amazing and perfect in my head and heart.

With that I again found myself back online trying to find someone. I went on a few dates...one amazing southern guy (did I forget to mention I found out he had a girlfriend???)...one amazing jewish guy (did I mention he brought me his job description, pointed out "wrinkles I had" and made rude comments about my tattoos)...and then there was a sweet guy with a daughter. Right as these dates were happening my friend came back again and came clean as to his feelings for me but his fear of me being a mom and a bit older than him. I didn't know what to think, all I have wanted for the past year is to attempt dating and see if it would work...but I am not sure he will ever be ready...so I went back to online dating and pursuing the sweet guy I had met.

So I decided to go out with the "nice guy". We hit it off right away, and he was just as sweet to me as I was to him. Things seemed to fall in place easy...that was until 3 weeks in he told me I was too sweet and he wasn't over his ex. He wasn't the guy I thought he was and it was like it was happening all over again. Seriously...not sure how I keep finding these guys who are unsure of what they want in life.  I apparently attract them...and I don't know how to change that. I can't change who I am, who knew being too sweet and too good to someone was a bad thing.

Seriously though...online dating, even dating in general, sucks...they should make an online dating site for people who hate online dating, hmmm....maybe that could be my new business venture!

I am seriously to the point of just being happy with the fact of just being with my daughter and not worrying about love with a man...because the love of my child is really what matters. In my heart though I know I can't do that, I don't need to be with someone...I want to be with someone. I want to be in love and be loved by someone. I am not sure who I am meant to be with, someone I know or haven't met yet,  but there has to be someone out there that will work out...and I am not one to give up. I started this journey because I was unhappy...all I really want is happiness in life. And as happy as my daughter makes me, I want to feel what it is to be truly loved by a man in my life.

I truly believe there is someone who will appreciate and love me for everything, even my flaws. I will not change who I am for anyone, because there is nothing wrong with me. It took me a long time to realize that, I am an amazing person with so much love and positivity in their heart. Someday I will find someone to share everything I have with...so here I am...continuing to date and look for my happily ever after.

Starting to Realize My Strength

We all have our struggles in life...I am not comparing mine with anyone's, but all I know is I am grateful for everything I have become because of mine...so much so I have it tattooed on me. In April my friend and I took a drive out to New Hope to get a tattoo...we got matching ones on our ribs that say:

"I am grateful for my struggle, without it I would not have found my strength"

This tattoo wasn't just for my divorce...it was for everything I have been through  in my life. I had a rough childhood, and many people I went to school with would be shocked to realize this. On the outside we appeared to be a typical family, but inside our house walls was a lot of anger, abuse and fear. I was scared every day I went home because you never knew what you were going home to as far as my evil stepfather (I have to distinguish as I now have a loving step father in my life) and what his mood would be.  The physical abuse I could handle, but the mental abuse has left a permanent mark that I have never been able to overcome.  I actually got my tattoo on my left side on purpose...it is the side in which my stepfather broke my ribs when I was in 8th grade, it made me a stronger person who realized hitting was never the answer and that I would never want to instill that type of fear in my child.

Fast forward past all that as my mother finally got out of that horrible situation and we all left him behind and out of our lives forever.  My life seemed to be on a good track...that is until my senior year of college in 2001. I needed beer money so I did a research study I found in the college paper, do a MRI and get $85. Easy right?  Well who knew that beer money and an MRI would save my life. I received a call the day after my MRI...they had found a brain tumor. I was assured not to worry, it didn't appear to be cancer, well after a year and a half of watching my tumor they removed it. What do you know...they were wrong. I had cancer in my body all that time, but I thank God I am alive and healthy now.

I handled that situation better than most, but what not everyone realized was my sister was dying at that same time.  She had a terminal illness which was worse than ever at that point. She was born with a very rare lung disease. Watching what she was going through gave me the strength to realize I was going to be fine. For the next two years I watched my sister grow more and more ill, while never complaining of the pain she was in and the fear of leaving her children behind.  Losing her was by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. My poor mother, I can only imagine her pain during those years, and even now.

I have lost numerous family members and friends, watched two people taken off life support, been sexually assaulted by a boyfriend, watched my mother be abused, I've been abused, recently lost my job...and I have come out the other side a stronger and more optimistic person than I could have ever imagined. So when people don't understand how I wasn't completely shattered by my divorce I want them to read this and try to understand. I have been through so many things in life that could have broken me, and I chose not to let it. Nothing will break me from opening my heart to people, always looking for the positive, always looking for the good in every situation and raising my daughter to be the same. I am stronger than most would ever realize, and I am damn proud of every part of my life. With every bad situation you learn something, you choose what you want to do with it.

This blog post really is to show people, you have no idea the struggles someone has going on in their life as not all of us share every detail all the time...do not judge what you do not understand. I never truly understood the strength I had until recently when I reflected on everything over the past 35 years.  I know many have been through so much worse than me and I probably have no idea.  Embrace your strength in every situation in life...being a single mom starting over is just another one to add to a list of things I had no idea I could do! I hope my daughter never has to go through some of the things I have, but whatever she goes through I will help her realize her strength.