Starting to Reflect

As 2014 is starting to come to an end I wanted to take a moment to reflect on everything that has happened this year. This year started out with filing for divorce, living on a couch, buying a new home, losing friends, first boyfriend after divorce, first break up after divorce, online dating, gaining new friends, starting a new job, losing my job, being a single mom and looking for a new job. Seriously...looking at everything I have gained, lost and changed this year makes my head spin.

My negatives really were losing my job and losing friends that I truly thought would always be there for me. With the job...I am not concerned. If anything it was a true blessing in disguise. I absolutely hated the job and the company I worked for. Working at a job that you are unhappy at is so not worth it as we spend most of our lives at work. So to me, I turned this negative into a positive.  As far the losing of friends, I have to say I have been a bit heartbroken that some people I called some of my closest friends turned their backs on me and haven't been there for me...but this to I look at in a positive way. People who don't have your back and bring sadness and negativity in your life are not worthy of being part of your life. Someone who can't stand up for you, be there for you in a time of need...why bother putting effort into them. Who needs that in their life? What I have found is a smaller group of friends who would do anything for you is so much better than a larger group of those who wouldn't.

Dating has brought it ups and downs for sure...I had my first heartbreak earlier this year, but what it made me realize was I could definitely love again and what I truly was worthy of having in my life. I have gone on a fair amount of dates...but I have learned that taking things slow, not worrying about labels and all can truly be such a positive. I am seriously learning to go with the flow, take things as they come and just enjoy every moment.  It really took me 35 years of life to realize how truly amazing things can be when you don't worry about the pressure of relationships. You actually get to know things about each other, enjoy each others company for what it is and the communication seems to open up so much more.

There are so many times a week I truly realize how much has changed when I look at my daughter. She has been through every single positive and negative with me...and continues to flourish and amaze me daily. She is my true inspiration in life. I look at her and realize what is important...our happiness and spending quality time together. Her happiness means the world to me...and my happiness affects hers. One thing not all single parents realize that if you aren't happy, your child will notice and it will affect them. I need to be happy at work, happy with my friends, happy with my dating life...all of that affects her. You have to take time for yourself and invest in your own happiness, because without that how can you expect to provide that for your child? Her happiness is the most important by far, investing in myself can only add to her happiness.

Starting to reflect on things in life really lets us also look forward to know where we want to be. I have a lot to learn in life as a month, as a significant other and as a person. There is always room to grow and improve. I have an amazing life and an even more amazing daughter. I am extremely lucky...and learning to take every negative and turn it into a positive in life just continually adds to my happiness. Life is a gift...and I don't ever want to take a single breathe for granted...my sister taught me that and I will always remember that.

Starting to Deal With Sleep Deprivation

Most parents are sleep deprived when their child is first born, I was fortunate to not have this problem. I was the parent who got to brag how well my daughter slept. From day one at home she would go to bed at 7pm and not get up until about 2am. Within two weeks she was sleeping 7pm-7am. I was in heaven as I had no idea what it felt like to be sleep deprived. I couldn't relate to other first time parents in that way at all. I had a boss that came to work looking like a zombie for weeks because his son wouldn't sleep. On the inside I was smirking a bit because I was so blessed.

Well that all changed in October 2013...when I took my 3 year old daughter and we moved out of my marital home. We stayed with a friend where my daughter had her own room...but it wasn't "her" room and she wasn't comfortable. She was scared to be without me in any way.. So for about 6 months I was up every couple of hours with her screaming for me, or running down the stairs and cuddling with me on the couch. I was barely sleeping a few hours a night. I finally started to realize what sleep deprivation felt like for new parents.

My hope was when I purchased my new house in March of this year that she would start sleeping better. I made her room the way she wanted, and gave her a big girl bed. No matter what I did, nothing worked perfectly. Sleep is hit or miss with her, most nights it takes me 2 hours to get her to fall asleep...lots of stories and singing and cuddling. I don't mind these things by any means...it is more of the 2am wake up calls. Sometimes she doesn't have a reason as to why she woke up.

What I have started to realize more and more is how divorce affects a child...she doesn't even consciously know this is what is happening. She constantly asks questions that led me to this. I use to get angry when she wasn't sleeping, I had no idea how to deal with it. The more I have researched and looked into it, the more I have learned to go with the flow. I don't care what people say, if she comes in at 2am and needs cuddle time with mommy I am going to give it to her. Sometimes she needs that extra reassurance and love to know she matters and to know she is still my world.  I chose divorce, so now I have started to learn to deal with sleep deprivation so that my daughter can have the comfort she needs.

There is no handbook or instruction manual on what is wrong and what is right. All I know is sleep deprivation is a small price to pay for my child to know how much I love her and how that will never change even if her parents relationship did. She is an amazing child...and I have learned sometimes I need that cuddle time just as much, if not more, as she does.

Starting to Explain Divorce to Your Child

When you are a parent and you decide divorce has become a reality, the only thing in your head is how to tell your child(ren). My daughter was 3 when I decided my ex-husband and I should try a trial separation. I sat my daughter down and explained that we would be staying with friends for a little while. I really didn't know what to say, except to try and tell her that mommy and daddy love her so much but we couldn't live together anymore.

Where we went to stay the family had three kids, which was a great distraction in a way for my daughter. After about a month it was evident that divorce papers needed to be filed. So I started that process in October. I then began looking for a new house...so this was another explanation to my daughter. She didn't know what divorce was, she was 3. She knew things had changed. I decided to try and take the fun route of telling her how we were getting a new girls only house, and now she would have two rooms.  She was really focused and excited about this possibility.

In March two amazing things happened, the divorce went through and we moved into our girls only house. I made a big deal over it and I thought I would be in the clear, but as parents of most toddlers know...they do not forget and they love to question EVERYTHING. So far we have gone through a couple phases:

• Do you still love my daddy phase: She asks this at least a couple times a month. I have chosen to respond with "I will always love your daddy as he gave me you, and you are an amazing and perfect child".  No idea the right answer on this, but to me I think it is important for her to know there was love between her parents.
• Why can't we all live in the girls house phase: This is a little less frequent as she is way more attached to me. She does ask and this is a tough one to answer...typically my response is because we can't. Lol. Yes I know this is not a great explanation, but I don't want to say anything mean so I keep it short and sweet.

There are also so many other issues, like why daddy didn't come to something or why I can't stay at her daddy's house. Isolated incidents that come up on a weekly basis that  you have to carefully maneuver like a game of frogger. The only thing I know as being a product of divorce myself, is you DO NOT bad mouth the other parent, and you DO NOT use your child as a thing against each other. No matter how "good" the divorce is, it can really affect a child. My only goal is to make sure my daughter knows how loved she is, none of what happened had anything to with her and that I wouldn't change a thing.

My daughter seems to be adjusting well, but as much as you think that one conversation will end issues for her...it quickly became evident to me that this will be years to come of answering her questions and I deserve to have to answer every one of them. Divorce was a choice my ex and I made, so my daughter can ask as many questions and feel any way she needs to feel...I will be there for all of it and help her to get through every phase she has.

Always remember...kids hear more than you realize, understand more than you would like and just need your unconditional love.

Starting to Co-Parent...at Least Trying to

First to start off...I have seen this ecard pop up so many times, and every time it makes me smirk because it is so true!

No matter the situation when you divorce, amicable or not, there is always an adjustment to what people call co-parenting. I am not really sure who came up with this term...but I have not experienced anything that felt we were cooperative in the parenting realm. Co-parenting, seriously what is this because apparently my ex and I differ on this meaning. He takes it as I should ask for permission for everything I am doing for her...I can't inform him of things, I need to ask his permission. I see it differently, I see it as speaking amicably to each other (meaning no swearing lol), informing each other of small decisions and discussing and deciding on the big decisions.  Not sure we will ever see eye to eye on this one.

Divorce is tricky enough as it is, but when you add in a child to the mix it becomes messy. You can truly only control what happens to your child when they are with you, then when you send them off to be with the other parent all bets are off. The food is different, bedtimes are different...EVERYTHING is different and it will drive you insane sometimes. 

One thing I have learned is you just have to bite your tongue and pick your battles.  My ex-husband isn't doing a bad job...but there are certainly things that drive me crazy and I have a hard time on learning how to approach things and when to leave them alone. God knows when I do decide to bring something up, no matter how nice I do it...it inevitably ends in a fight of some sort. We have fought on everything from what movies are appropriate, to meeting each others significant others, to how to properly bathe her...and everything in between.

I never thought I would be a divorcee with a child...but here I am. The actual life of being a single mom I don't find difficult, but the coordinating of schedules, money and re-learning how to talk to your ex is by far the most challenging for me. My divorce was final in March of this year, and here I am 7 month later still walking on egg shells every time I say anything to him as to not set him off.

We are all human, and when you break up or divorce someone, there are things that will just irk you and get under your skin as to how they do things...it is learning to let go of some of the simple things and do your best to focus on the child(ren). My number one priority is making sure my daughter is the happiest and healthiest kid she can be...but worrying if she gets that same treatment and focus when she isn't with me is what keeps me up at night.  If both parents can solely focus on that aspect and not bicker over things that have nothing to do with the child's best interest, life would be so much more peaceful. So this is me...starting to learn to co-parent as best as I can because I will tell you, this is so much harder than it looks.

Starting Over

Growing up I knew what I wanted...I wanted a good career, a loving marriage and children. I had goals in life and I knew at what age I wanted things to happen...and they did. I had the career I wanted by 25, I knew I wanted to be married before I was 30...I did, and then I wanted a child right away...and along came my daughter before the age of 31. My life turned out the way I wanted, until everything changed in an instant when I decided to leave.

I found myself miserable in my life at the age of 33. It took me two years to realize that you can't plan everything, and you can't make things fall the way you want all the time. In October of 2013 I found  myself sitting in a lawyers office writing up divorce papers. How did I end up there? For the first time in years I felt lost and out of control. There were so many questions...could I do this on my own? Could I raise a child by myself? How would this affect my daughter? Would she hate me for leaving?  So many questions...

One thing I will tell you, it isn't easy...but happiness is worth all the challenges you may face. Making the decision to leave my marriage wasn't easy, my ex-husband wasn't a bad guy but we weren't in love, he didn't want to change anything and I didn't want my daughter thinking that was what love and life was supposed to be like.  We found ourselves sleeping at a friends house, in which they had three kids on their own...and we slept on a couch for 6 months. I will tell you those were some of the happiest six months of my life...when you finally decide to choose happiness all your situations in life seem easy.

Starting over...one of the scariest and best things I have done in my life.  Life has since been interesting...finding a place to live, changing jobs, child support battles, hitting the bar scene, joining dating websites and making my daughter the happiest kid ever. One thing I can say...life is never dull and I have learned how much happiness affects everything in life. I am starting this blog to share all the craziness that goes into being a single mom and starting my life over at the age of 35.

I am living my life, learning to embrace new experiences and loving my new found happiness!