Starting to Reflect

As 2014 is starting to come to an end I wanted to take a moment to reflect on everything that has happened this year. This year started out with filing for divorce, living on a couch, buying a new home, losing friends, first boyfriend after divorce, first break up after divorce, online dating, gaining new friends, starting a new job, losing my job, being a single mom and looking for a new job. Seriously...looking at everything I have gained, lost and changed this year makes my head spin.

My negatives really were losing my job and losing friends that I truly thought would always be there for me. With the job...I am not concerned. If anything it was a true blessing in disguise. I absolutely hated the job and the company I worked for. Working at a job that you are unhappy at is so not worth it as we spend most of our lives at work. So to me, I turned this negative into a positive.  As far the losing of friends, I have to say I have been a bit heartbroken that some people I called some of my closest friends turned their backs on me and haven't been there for me...but this to I look at in a positive way. People who don't have your back and bring sadness and negativity in your life are not worthy of being part of your life. Someone who can't stand up for you, be there for you in a time of need...why bother putting effort into them. Who needs that in their life? What I have found is a smaller group of friends who would do anything for you is so much better than a larger group of those who wouldn't.

Dating has brought it ups and downs for sure...I had my first heartbreak earlier this year, but what it made me realize was I could definitely love again and what I truly was worthy of having in my life. I have gone on a fair amount of dates...but I have learned that taking things slow, not worrying about labels and all can truly be such a positive. I am seriously learning to go with the flow, take things as they come and just enjoy every moment.  It really took me 35 years of life to realize how truly amazing things can be when you don't worry about the pressure of relationships. You actually get to know things about each other, enjoy each others company for what it is and the communication seems to open up so much more.

There are so many times a week I truly realize how much has changed when I look at my daughter. She has been through every single positive and negative with me...and continues to flourish and amaze me daily. She is my true inspiration in life. I look at her and realize what is important...our happiness and spending quality time together. Her happiness means the world to me...and my happiness affects hers. One thing not all single parents realize that if you aren't happy, your child will notice and it will affect them. I need to be happy at work, happy with my friends, happy with my dating life...all of that affects her. You have to take time for yourself and invest in your own happiness, because without that how can you expect to provide that for your child? Her happiness is the most important by far, investing in myself can only add to her happiness.

Starting to reflect on things in life really lets us also look forward to know where we want to be. I have a lot to learn in life as a month, as a significant other and as a person. There is always room to grow and improve. I have an amazing life and an even more amazing daughter. I am extremely lucky...and learning to take every negative and turn it into a positive in life just continually adds to my happiness. Life is a gift...and I don't ever want to take a single breathe for granted...my sister taught me that and I will always remember that.

Starting to Date

I left my marriage in October 2013...and nowhere in my head was I even concerned with dating or meeting someone else right away. After filing for divorce I did start thinking about it, but really wasn't even sure where to begin. At that time a good friend of mine reached out to me to get together...we had an amazing connection on every level and I wanted nothing more than to try and date him, but he wasn't ready for dating. Kind of broke my heart because we have always had a crazy and intense connection that we could never explore. So that didn't work out but I definitely realized I wanted to start dating. But where do you begin in your 30's to start dating?

I didn't want to meet anyone in a bar, and my friends didn't have anyone to set me up with...so I signed up for free online dating...which is scary to even think about. I was inundated with emails from guys ranging from normal to creepy as could be. I closely looked at their profiles and was super selective of who I responded to. I locked in on one guy. We exchanged numbers and texted millions of times in a short period before meeting a week later. Our first date was amazing and romantic, including dancing in his kitchen to romantic music. It was perfect. Our relationship developed fast...I met his son, his family and his friends. I loved them all and truly felt accepted. Then after 7 months of what I thought was amazing he basically fell off the face of the earth. I received zero closure or explanation. That was so beyond hard because I had never encountered such immaturity in a relationship. What bothered me more was that I had let him into my daughters life and I had no idea how to explain to her what happened and why he was no longer in our lives. She still asks about him and his son and his family...by far the hardest part.

So I found myself alone again wanting to find love...and again my friend came back around. Once again our connection was still there and everything is amazing with him. And once again he wasn't ready. I found myself confused and hurt because everything seemed so amazing and perfect in my head and heart.

With that I again found myself back online trying to find someone. I went on a few dates...one amazing southern guy (did I forget to mention I found out he had a girlfriend???)...one amazing jewish guy (did I mention he brought me his job description, pointed out "wrinkles I had" and made rude comments about my tattoos)...and then there was a sweet guy with a daughter. Right as these dates were happening my friend came back again and came clean as to his feelings for me but his fear of me being a mom and a bit older than him. I didn't know what to think, all I have wanted for the past year is to attempt dating and see if it would work...but I am not sure he will ever be ready...so I went back to online dating and pursuing the sweet guy I had met.

So I decided to go out with the "nice guy". We hit it off right away, and he was just as sweet to me as I was to him. Things seemed to fall in place easy...that was until 3 weeks in he told me I was too sweet and he wasn't over his ex. He wasn't the guy I thought he was and it was like it was happening all over again. Seriously...not sure how I keep finding these guys who are unsure of what they want in life.  I apparently attract them...and I don't know how to change that. I can't change who I am, who knew being too sweet and too good to someone was a bad thing.

Seriously though...online dating, even dating in general, sucks...they should make an online dating site for people who hate online dating, hmmm....maybe that could be my new business venture!

I am seriously to the point of just being happy with the fact of just being with my daughter and not worrying about love with a man...because the love of my child is really what matters. In my heart though I know I can't do that, I don't need to be with someone...I want to be with someone. I want to be in love and be loved by someone. I am not sure who I am meant to be with, someone I know or haven't met yet,  but there has to be someone out there that will work out...and I am not one to give up. I started this journey because I was unhappy...all I really want is happiness in life. And as happy as my daughter makes me, I want to feel what it is to be truly loved by a man in my life.

I truly believe there is someone who will appreciate and love me for everything, even my flaws. I will not change who I am for anyone, because there is nothing wrong with me. It took me a long time to realize that, I am an amazing person with so much love and positivity in their heart. Someday I will find someone to share everything I have with...so here I am...continuing to date and look for my happily ever after.