I didn't want to meet anyone in a bar, and my friends didn't have anyone to set me up with...so I signed up for free online dating...which is scary to even think about. I was inundated with emails from guys ranging from normal to creepy as could be. I closely looked at their profiles and was super selective of who I responded to. I locked in on one guy. We exchanged numbers and texted millions of times in a short period before meeting a week later. Our first date was amazing and romantic, including dancing in his kitchen to romantic music. It was perfect. Our relationship developed fast...I met his son, his family and his friends. I loved them all and truly felt accepted. Then after 7 months of what I thought was amazing he basically fell off the face of the earth. I received zero closure or explanation. That was so beyond hard because I had never encountered such immaturity in a relationship. What bothered me more was that I had let him into my daughters life and I had no idea how to explain to her what happened and why he was no longer in our lives. She still asks about him and his son and his family...by far the hardest part.
So I found myself alone again wanting to find love...and again my friend came back around. Once again our connection was still there and everything is amazing with him. And once again he wasn't ready. I found myself confused and hurt because everything seemed so amazing and perfect in my head and heart.
With that I again found myself back online trying to find someone. I went on a few dates...one amazing southern guy (did I forget to mention I found out he had a girlfriend???)...one amazing jewish guy (did I mention he brought me his job description, pointed out "wrinkles I had" and made rude comments about my tattoos)...and then there was a sweet guy with a daughter. Right as these dates were happening my friend came back again and came clean as to his feelings for me but his fear of me being a mom and a bit older than him. I didn't know what to think, all I have wanted for the past year is to attempt dating and see if it would work...but I am not sure he will ever be ready...so I went back to online dating and pursuing the sweet guy I had met.
So I decided to go out with the "nice guy". We hit it off right away, and he was just as sweet to me as I was to him. Things seemed to fall in place easy...that was until 3 weeks in he told me I was too sweet and he wasn't over his ex. He wasn't the guy I thought he was and it was like it was happening all over again. Seriously...not sure how I keep finding these guys who are unsure of what they want in life. I apparently attract them...and I don't know how to change that. I can't change who I am, who knew being too sweet and too good to someone was a bad thing.
Seriously though...online dating, even dating in general, sucks...they should make an online dating site for people who hate online dating, hmmm....maybe that could be my new business venture!
I am seriously to the point of just being happy with the fact of just being with my daughter and not worrying about love with a man...because the love of my child is really what matters. In my heart though I know I can't do that, I don't need to be with someone...I want to be with someone. I want to be in love and be loved by someone. I am not sure who I am meant to be with, someone I know or haven't met yet, but there has to be someone out there that will work out...and I am not one to give up. I started this journey because I was unhappy...all I really want is happiness in life. And as happy as my daughter makes me, I want to feel what it is to be truly loved by a man in my life.
I truly believe there is someone who will appreciate and love me for everything, even my flaws. I will not change who I am for anyone, because there is nothing wrong with me. It took me a long time to realize that, I am an amazing person with so much love and positivity in their heart. Someday I will find someone to share everything I have with...so here I am...continuing to date and look for my happily ever after.
You're right--forget them if they will not accept you as you are! I dealt with the immaturity of cutting contact twice. I never received closure either time, and people can be very insensitive. The first one called me six or seven months later and acted like nothing happened. I had moved on and he still wanted me to go see him. I told him, "I don't think so" and hung up on him. The second one made up a story that he was moving out of the country and I took action when I learned that he had made it up. Some say that what I did was spiteful, but there is not any reason for that level of dishonesty.
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way that you did--why did I keep attracting weirdos who were so immature? But it is not anything that you are doing, it is just really hard to find people who are honest. The first one gave me that "you deserve better crap". If that were true, then he should not have called me several months later.
The ex who told you that needed to get over HIS ex before he put himself back out into the dating pool.