Starting to Date

I left my marriage in October 2013...and nowhere in my head was I even concerned with dating or meeting someone else right away. After filing for divorce I did start thinking about it, but really wasn't even sure where to begin. At that time a good friend of mine reached out to me to get together...we had an amazing connection on every level and I wanted nothing more than to try and date him, but he wasn't ready for dating. Kind of broke my heart because we have always had a crazy and intense connection that we could never explore. So that didn't work out but I definitely realized I wanted to start dating. But where do you begin in your 30's to start dating?

I didn't want to meet anyone in a bar, and my friends didn't have anyone to set me up with...so I signed up for free online dating...which is scary to even think about. I was inundated with emails from guys ranging from normal to creepy as could be. I closely looked at their profiles and was super selective of who I responded to. I locked in on one guy. We exchanged numbers and texted millions of times in a short period before meeting a week later. Our first date was amazing and romantic, including dancing in his kitchen to romantic music. It was perfect. Our relationship developed fast...I met his son, his family and his friends. I loved them all and truly felt accepted. Then after 7 months of what I thought was amazing he basically fell off the face of the earth. I received zero closure or explanation. That was so beyond hard because I had never encountered such immaturity in a relationship. What bothered me more was that I had let him into my daughters life and I had no idea how to explain to her what happened and why he was no longer in our lives. She still asks about him and his son and his family...by far the hardest part.

So I found myself alone again wanting to find love...and again my friend came back around. Once again our connection was still there and everything is amazing with him. And once again he wasn't ready. I found myself confused and hurt because everything seemed so amazing and perfect in my head and heart.

With that I again found myself back online trying to find someone. I went on a few dates...one amazing southern guy (did I forget to mention I found out he had a girlfriend???)...one amazing jewish guy (did I mention he brought me his job description, pointed out "wrinkles I had" and made rude comments about my tattoos)...and then there was a sweet guy with a daughter. Right as these dates were happening my friend came back again and came clean as to his feelings for me but his fear of me being a mom and a bit older than him. I didn't know what to think, all I have wanted for the past year is to attempt dating and see if it would work...but I am not sure he will ever be ready...so I went back to online dating and pursuing the sweet guy I had met.

So I decided to go out with the "nice guy". We hit it off right away, and he was just as sweet to me as I was to him. Things seemed to fall in place easy...that was until 3 weeks in he told me I was too sweet and he wasn't over his ex. He wasn't the guy I thought he was and it was like it was happening all over again. Seriously...not sure how I keep finding these guys who are unsure of what they want in life.  I apparently attract them...and I don't know how to change that. I can't change who I am, who knew being too sweet and too good to someone was a bad thing.

Seriously though...online dating, even dating in general, sucks...they should make an online dating site for people who hate online dating, hmmm....maybe that could be my new business venture!

I am seriously to the point of just being happy with the fact of just being with my daughter and not worrying about love with a man...because the love of my child is really what matters. In my heart though I know I can't do that, I don't need to be with someone...I want to be with someone. I want to be in love and be loved by someone. I am not sure who I am meant to be with, someone I know or haven't met yet,  but there has to be someone out there that will work out...and I am not one to give up. I started this journey because I was unhappy...all I really want is happiness in life. And as happy as my daughter makes me, I want to feel what it is to be truly loved by a man in my life.

I truly believe there is someone who will appreciate and love me for everything, even my flaws. I will not change who I am for anyone, because there is nothing wrong with me. It took me a long time to realize that, I am an amazing person with so much love and positivity in their heart. Someday I will find someone to share everything I have with...so here I am...continuing to date and look for my happily ever after.

Starting to Realize My Strength

We all have our struggles in life...I am not comparing mine with anyone's, but all I know is I am grateful for everything I have become because of mine...so much so I have it tattooed on me. In April my friend and I took a drive out to New Hope to get a tattoo...we got matching ones on our ribs that say:

"I am grateful for my struggle, without it I would not have found my strength"

This tattoo wasn't just for my divorce...it was for everything I have been through  in my life. I had a rough childhood, and many people I went to school with would be shocked to realize this. On the outside we appeared to be a typical family, but inside our house walls was a lot of anger, abuse and fear. I was scared every day I went home because you never knew what you were going home to as far as my evil stepfather (I have to distinguish as I now have a loving step father in my life) and what his mood would be.  The physical abuse I could handle, but the mental abuse has left a permanent mark that I have never been able to overcome.  I actually got my tattoo on my left side on purpose...it is the side in which my stepfather broke my ribs when I was in 8th grade, it made me a stronger person who realized hitting was never the answer and that I would never want to instill that type of fear in my child.

Fast forward past all that as my mother finally got out of that horrible situation and we all left him behind and out of our lives forever.  My life seemed to be on a good track...that is until my senior year of college in 2001. I needed beer money so I did a research study I found in the college paper, do a MRI and get $85. Easy right?  Well who knew that beer money and an MRI would save my life. I received a call the day after my MRI...they had found a brain tumor. I was assured not to worry, it didn't appear to be cancer, well after a year and a half of watching my tumor they removed it. What do you know...they were wrong. I had cancer in my body all that time, but I thank God I am alive and healthy now.

I handled that situation better than most, but what not everyone realized was my sister was dying at that same time.  She had a terminal illness which was worse than ever at that point. She was born with a very rare lung disease. Watching what she was going through gave me the strength to realize I was going to be fine. For the next two years I watched my sister grow more and more ill, while never complaining of the pain she was in and the fear of leaving her children behind.  Losing her was by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. My poor mother, I can only imagine her pain during those years, and even now.

I have lost numerous family members and friends, watched two people taken off life support, been sexually assaulted by a boyfriend, watched my mother be abused, I've been abused, recently lost my job...and I have come out the other side a stronger and more optimistic person than I could have ever imagined. So when people don't understand how I wasn't completely shattered by my divorce I want them to read this and try to understand. I have been through so many things in life that could have broken me, and I chose not to let it. Nothing will break me from opening my heart to people, always looking for the positive, always looking for the good in every situation and raising my daughter to be the same. I am stronger than most would ever realize, and I am damn proud of every part of my life. With every bad situation you learn something, you choose what you want to do with it.

This blog post really is to show people, you have no idea the struggles someone has going on in their life as not all of us share every detail all the time...do not judge what you do not understand. I never truly understood the strength I had until recently when I reflected on everything over the past 35 years.  I know many have been through so much worse than me and I probably have no idea.  Embrace your strength in every situation in life...being a single mom starting over is just another one to add to a list of things I had no idea I could do! I hope my daughter never has to go through some of the things I have, but whatever she goes through I will help her realize her strength.

Starting to Co-Parent...at Least Trying to

First to start off...I have seen this ecard pop up so many times, and every time it makes me smirk because it is so true!

No matter the situation when you divorce, amicable or not, there is always an adjustment to what people call co-parenting. I am not really sure who came up with this term...but I have not experienced anything that felt we were cooperative in the parenting realm. Co-parenting, seriously what is this because apparently my ex and I differ on this meaning. He takes it as I should ask for permission for everything I am doing for her...I can't inform him of things, I need to ask his permission. I see it differently, I see it as speaking amicably to each other (meaning no swearing lol), informing each other of small decisions and discussing and deciding on the big decisions.  Not sure we will ever see eye to eye on this one.

Divorce is tricky enough as it is, but when you add in a child to the mix it becomes messy. You can truly only control what happens to your child when they are with you, then when you send them off to be with the other parent all bets are off. The food is different, bedtimes are different...EVERYTHING is different and it will drive you insane sometimes. 

One thing I have learned is you just have to bite your tongue and pick your battles.  My ex-husband isn't doing a bad job...but there are certainly things that drive me crazy and I have a hard time on learning how to approach things and when to leave them alone. God knows when I do decide to bring something up, no matter how nice I do it...it inevitably ends in a fight of some sort. We have fought on everything from what movies are appropriate, to meeting each others significant others, to how to properly bathe her...and everything in between.

I never thought I would be a divorcee with a child...but here I am. The actual life of being a single mom I don't find difficult, but the coordinating of schedules, money and re-learning how to talk to your ex is by far the most challenging for me. My divorce was final in March of this year, and here I am 7 month later still walking on egg shells every time I say anything to him as to not set him off.

We are all human, and when you break up or divorce someone, there are things that will just irk you and get under your skin as to how they do things...it is learning to let go of some of the simple things and do your best to focus on the child(ren). My number one priority is making sure my daughter is the happiest and healthiest kid she can be...but worrying if she gets that same treatment and focus when she isn't with me is what keeps me up at night.  If both parents can solely focus on that aspect and not bicker over things that have nothing to do with the child's best interest, life would be so much more peaceful. So this is me...starting to learn to co-parent as best as I can because I will tell you, this is so much harder than it looks.

Starting Over

Growing up I knew what I wanted...I wanted a good career, a loving marriage and children. I had goals in life and I knew at what age I wanted things to happen...and they did. I had the career I wanted by 25, I knew I wanted to be married before I was 30...I did, and then I wanted a child right away...and along came my daughter before the age of 31. My life turned out the way I wanted, until everything changed in an instant when I decided to leave.

I found myself miserable in my life at the age of 33. It took me two years to realize that you can't plan everything, and you can't make things fall the way you want all the time. In October of 2013 I found  myself sitting in a lawyers office writing up divorce papers. How did I end up there? For the first time in years I felt lost and out of control. There were so many questions...could I do this on my own? Could I raise a child by myself? How would this affect my daughter? Would she hate me for leaving?  So many questions...

One thing I will tell you, it isn't easy...but happiness is worth all the challenges you may face. Making the decision to leave my marriage wasn't easy, my ex-husband wasn't a bad guy but we weren't in love, he didn't want to change anything and I didn't want my daughter thinking that was what love and life was supposed to be like.  We found ourselves sleeping at a friends house, in which they had three kids on their own...and we slept on a couch for 6 months. I will tell you those were some of the happiest six months of my life...when you finally decide to choose happiness all your situations in life seem easy.

Starting over...one of the scariest and best things I have done in my life.  Life has since been interesting...finding a place to live, changing jobs, child support battles, hitting the bar scene, joining dating websites and making my daughter the happiest kid ever. One thing I can say...life is never dull and I have learned how much happiness affects everything in life. I am starting this blog to share all the craziness that goes into being a single mom and starting my life over at the age of 35.

I am living my life, learning to embrace new experiences and loving my new found happiness!