Starting to be Thankful

Considering this week is Thanksgiving, I thought I would do a post about being thankful. I have been through a lot in my lifetime, but learning to be thankful for everything I do have is truly important.  There are some people in my life I am truly thankful for that I don't know what I would do without.

The person I am most thankful for is my Haylee monster. She is by far my everything in life, my world completely revolves around her. She has given me all the courage in the world to do everything I have done. I couldn't ask for a better blessing in my life. She really is my world and I thank God every day to have her in my life.

Another person I am thankful for is my sister Becky.  She may no longer be here but I had 24 years with her in life and I am so thankful for each one. My sister wasn't supposed to live past the age of 5, had that been true I would have never met her. I am so thankful the doctors were wrong and that I got to know her. She taught me about compassion, acceptance and what true strength is. She was an amazing mother to her children and everyone who met her loved her. She had a tough life but never gave up pushing through it. I miss her every day, but thankful for every moment I had with her.

Two people I couldn't be on this earth without are my mother and father. Though they aren't together any longer, they are both very important people in my life. My mother has been my best friend and there for me through every little thing in life. We lean on each other for everything. I don't know how I would have gotten through life without her as went through some awful situations. She is one of the most caring and wonderful mothers in the world, and I am thankful she is mine.  My father and I had a much different path in life, we actually didn't speak for 10 years. My brain tumor is what brought us back together, and as crazy as it sounds I am so thankful for that tumor as we are closer than ever.  I literally can tell him anything, we have a great relationship that I am so thankful for.

There are so many people I am thankful for. As far as other family members I have an amazing step brother whom I have grown so close to, an amazing niece who is like my mini me (except taller haha), a great step-dad who calls me his princess and would do anything for me and Haylee, my twin - aka my soon to be sister-in-law Megan, and some amazing cousins who I know are always there for me.

I also have a couple friends who I couldn't get through life without. My bestie Katy and I have been through so much over the years, but is always someone I can turn to and the same is true for her. She is an amazing mother and friend and I am truly thankful she is in my life. I also have Lisa, who opened her home to Haylee and I when we moved out, and is always offering to help me anytime I need something. I couldn't imagine not having Lisa and her family in my life, they are really amazing. Then there is Dina, we met years ago at work...lost touch and have now reconnected. We even have matching tattoos...that is how much we were meant to be in each others lives. We have ended up in similar situations at similar times, and helping each other through everything just strengthens our friendship.

I am so very thankful for each and every one of these people. I know there are others I missed, but these are the ones who without a doubt are there for me and always will be. I just hope I can do for them what they have done for me. I love you all. Happy Thanksgiving!

Starting to Realize Who Really Cares

One thing I have noticed with divorce is who really cares about you and who is really there for you. From the moment I moved out of my marital residence I had two friends who stood out. They let me into their homes to stay and really cared for and supported me.  Over time one of those relationships has really stayed strong, while the other has died off unfortunately. People have their own lives, with their own concerns and things going on and sometimes forget about you for whatever reason. I do my best to understand these situations.

I lost friends after my divorce, some due to them being friends with my ex-husband, some because they were mutual friends and some that I really have no idea why.  My life had completely changed, I went from being married to being a single mom overnight. My personality changed with that a bit as well...and not sure everyone was ok with that.

It is really easy for someone to be there for you in the best of times, but when you are going through the tough times in life is when you really start to realize who cares about you and who will be there for you no matter what.

For true friends it doesn't matter the distance, the time that it has been since you last talked, or the stupid petty things that have happened. You are friends through it all if it is really a true friend. I have found friendship in those who I hadn't spoken to in years, but we found comfort in helping each other through the worst parts of our relationships.

I recently grew apart from a close friend due to a man in her life...and it truly is eating me up because it is something I can't change and it doesn't seem to matter to her. This is one of those points where again I start to realize who really cares, because I would never let a man ruin a friendship that I cared so much about. I can say this as my ex-husband hated this particular friend and I didn't care...and told him he had to be respectful regardless, which he did. I would do anything to fix our friendship, but just like in any relationship if both parties don't try it won't work. At this point unfortunately I think I just have to accept that as I have done all I can.

I am sitting here...a single mom with no job trying to get by. I am helping my family through some medical issues and personal issues that people have no idea about as I haven't made it public to most people. The people who care are in my life, regardless of what is going on.

When we are younger we want as many friends as we possibly can have, but as I have gotten older I have realized that having a small group of friends who I can trust and who are always there for me is really all that matters. As the quote goes...sometimes your circle decreases in size, but increases in value. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me through the ups and the downs, continually encouraging me and letting me do the same for them. I don't have family on the east coast really...but the friends who have been there for me really are my family as well. Love you all and I am so very thankful to have you in my life.

Starting to Deal With Sleep Deprivation

Most parents are sleep deprived when their child is first born, I was fortunate to not have this problem. I was the parent who got to brag how well my daughter slept. From day one at home she would go to bed at 7pm and not get up until about 2am. Within two weeks she was sleeping 7pm-7am. I was in heaven as I had no idea what it felt like to be sleep deprived. I couldn't relate to other first time parents in that way at all. I had a boss that came to work looking like a zombie for weeks because his son wouldn't sleep. On the inside I was smirking a bit because I was so blessed.

Well that all changed in October 2013...when I took my 3 year old daughter and we moved out of my marital home. We stayed with a friend where my daughter had her own room...but it wasn't "her" room and she wasn't comfortable. She was scared to be without me in any way.. So for about 6 months I was up every couple of hours with her screaming for me, or running down the stairs and cuddling with me on the couch. I was barely sleeping a few hours a night. I finally started to realize what sleep deprivation felt like for new parents.

My hope was when I purchased my new house in March of this year that she would start sleeping better. I made her room the way she wanted, and gave her a big girl bed. No matter what I did, nothing worked perfectly. Sleep is hit or miss with her, most nights it takes me 2 hours to get her to fall asleep...lots of stories and singing and cuddling. I don't mind these things by any means...it is more of the 2am wake up calls. Sometimes she doesn't have a reason as to why she woke up.

What I have started to realize more and more is how divorce affects a child...she doesn't even consciously know this is what is happening. She constantly asks questions that led me to this. I use to get angry when she wasn't sleeping, I had no idea how to deal with it. The more I have researched and looked into it, the more I have learned to go with the flow. I don't care what people say, if she comes in at 2am and needs cuddle time with mommy I am going to give it to her. Sometimes she needs that extra reassurance and love to know she matters and to know she is still my world.  I chose divorce, so now I have started to learn to deal with sleep deprivation so that my daughter can have the comfort she needs.

There is no handbook or instruction manual on what is wrong and what is right. All I know is sleep deprivation is a small price to pay for my child to know how much I love her and how that will never change even if her parents relationship did. She is an amazing child...and I have learned sometimes I need that cuddle time just as much, if not more, as she does.

Starting to Explain Divorce to Your Child

When you are a parent and you decide divorce has become a reality, the only thing in your head is how to tell your child(ren). My daughter was 3 when I decided my ex-husband and I should try a trial separation. I sat my daughter down and explained that we would be staying with friends for a little while. I really didn't know what to say, except to try and tell her that mommy and daddy love her so much but we couldn't live together anymore.

Where we went to stay the family had three kids, which was a great distraction in a way for my daughter. After about a month it was evident that divorce papers needed to be filed. So I started that process in October. I then began looking for a new house...so this was another explanation to my daughter. She didn't know what divorce was, she was 3. She knew things had changed. I decided to try and take the fun route of telling her how we were getting a new girls only house, and now she would have two rooms.  She was really focused and excited about this possibility.

In March two amazing things happened, the divorce went through and we moved into our girls only house. I made a big deal over it and I thought I would be in the clear, but as parents of most toddlers know...they do not forget and they love to question EVERYTHING. So far we have gone through a couple phases:

• Do you still love my daddy phase: She asks this at least a couple times a month. I have chosen to respond with "I will always love your daddy as he gave me you, and you are an amazing and perfect child".  No idea the right answer on this, but to me I think it is important for her to know there was love between her parents.
• Why can't we all live in the girls house phase: This is a little less frequent as she is way more attached to me. She does ask and this is a tough one to answer...typically my response is because we can't. Lol. Yes I know this is not a great explanation, but I don't want to say anything mean so I keep it short and sweet.

There are also so many other issues, like why daddy didn't come to something or why I can't stay at her daddy's house. Isolated incidents that come up on a weekly basis that  you have to carefully maneuver like a game of frogger. The only thing I know as being a product of divorce myself, is you DO NOT bad mouth the other parent, and you DO NOT use your child as a thing against each other. No matter how "good" the divorce is, it can really affect a child. My only goal is to make sure my daughter knows how loved she is, none of what happened had anything to with her and that I wouldn't change a thing.

My daughter seems to be adjusting well, but as much as you think that one conversation will end issues for her...it quickly became evident to me that this will be years to come of answering her questions and I deserve to have to answer every one of them. Divorce was a choice my ex and I made, so my daughter can ask as many questions and feel any way she needs to feel...I will be there for all of it and help her to get through every phase she has.

Always remember...kids hear more than you realize, understand more than you would like and just need your unconditional love.